Crack stories or Legolas vs Me
by SivanShemesh
Summary: It was all Legolas’ fault; he should have known that he should not taunt the author, but I guess he did not know…
1. Chapter 1

Crack stories or Legolas vs. Me

Humor/parody ficlets

Beta: Aranel

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: It was all Legolas' fault; he should have known that he should not taunt the author, but I guess he did not know…

A/N: Written in the cheerful spirit of the coming holidays– even sacrificing sleep to continue in the early hours of the night/morning.

--

The elf sensed that his torturer was chatting away in an instant messenger window. Using this distraction, he stepped very slowly and quietly toward his target.

Suddenly, Legolas grabbed the cell phone from the author who kept torturing him, and happily used it to take a few pictures of her.

Then the author smiled broadly. Legolas, still holding the phone, could feel how the fear was growing inside his body. He started to shiver violently as the author started to move her pen.

"Please..." Legolas begged for his life.

"Legolas, see what you have done?" The author was glaring daggers at the elf in front of her, who now handed over the phone in an unsteady hand... only to have it crash down the hard, cold floor.

"Sorry..." Legolas voice grew weaker as the author nudged him with the pen, and that seemed to be the last straw for the elf, who fell like a broken leaf, his blue eyes staring at the author in great fear.

"He dropped my cell..." The author mumbled in frustration and anger, directing the next question toward the elf, "Do you know how much it costs each per month? You're going to pay with a full share of torture, angst and more, Legolas... Or would you prefer to see your father suffering instead?"

"Please... I thought that you love my father, and me." Legolas found the courage to stand in front of his father, trying to protect him.

"I still do, and always will, but..." The author told the elf, finishing another page and starting another, "But I am always in need of someone to torture. So, it's either you or your father – I give you the chance to choose." The author smiled at him before she continued, "So, who is going to get tortured, and who will enjoy my company and be safe?"

Legolas stared at the author, a frown clouding his blue eyes. He did not wish his father would be hurt from whatever the author's bunny suggested. He had already seen bad things happening to him, and had heard from Aragorn and Elrond about the death of his father – killed by this author – and he did not wish to see it happen again.

"No, please… I cannot let you harm my father…" Legolas asked, turning his pleading blue eyes at the author.

"So…" the author grinned at him, "Are you volunteering yourself to me?"

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

Crack Stories of Legolas vs. Me

Humor/parody ficlets

Beta: Aranel

Summary: It was all Legolas' fault; he should have known that he should not taunt the author, but I guess he did not know…

A/N: Written in the cheerful spirit of the coming holidays– even sacrificing sleep to continue in the early hours of the night/morning.

--

2.

Legolas stared at the author with fear in his blue eyes, clearly not wishing to lose his father to the author. He opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by his father, who appeared by his side with a wooden sword.

"I will not let you touch my son in any of those angst plots you have for him." Thranduil let the author know that fact, while moving his sword closer to her.

And then, he noticed for the first time that his sword no longer had its the steel blade.

"I want my sword back!" The king exclaimed, while shooting glares toward the author.

"And all I wanted is to torture your son for a while, unless you want to do the job…" She warned the king.

Thranduil looked between her and his son, not knowing what happened between them. "Legolas… what did you do?" He asked.

"Nothing…" Legolas offered in answer to his father.

"Nothing? I do not believe that!" Thranduil said, the anger quickly seen in his face, causing Legolas to take a step backward, albeit closer to the author. "What did you do to make the author take you away from me again? Is it not enough what she did to you in her NaNo story?"

"I did nothing, if that is what were you referring to, King Thranduil." The author told the king with a slight grin on her face.

He glared at her instead and asked, "How can you say that you did nothing? Have you seen the shape of my son, after you tortured him in almost every story of yours?"

"I have seen it all; after all, I was getting him to see a healer, was I not?" She asked innocently.

"And why did you kill me in one story? I know that you killed my son as well, in another story." Thranduil grumbled, remembering the time his son did not come back from the war.

The author sighed heavily, before she moved her pen toward Thranduil and cut his wooden sword into two pieces before telling him what was on her mind, "Not in one story, and if you recall, you were responsible for your son's death in one particular story, so do not come and threaten me!"

Legolas stared at his father as he did remember that – how could he not?

"She is right, you know…" Legolas told him.

Meanwhile, the author had started to move her pen toward the blank page that was now slowly filling up.

"What are you writing?" Thranduil questioned, while keeping his son behind him to protect him.

"What do you think?" She asked without letting her eyes leave her writing.

"Can you at least take me instead? I do not want my son hurt anymore." Thranduil requested.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

Crack Stories of Legolas vs. Me

Humor/parody ficlets

Beta: Aranel

Summary: It was all Legolas' fault; he should have known that he should not taunt the author, but I guess he did not know…

A/N: Written in the cheerful spirit of the coming holidays– even sacrificing sleep to continue in the early hours of the night/morning.

--

3.

_Spoiler - "Thranduil's Last Breath"_

Legolas pushed his father out of the way, bursting out, "No… father, please…"

Thranduil turned around to face his son, looking the lines of concern that marked his face. He sighed heavily before he spoke to him, "I need to do it, my son, as I want to see you alive. I can endure everything she does to me, as long as you're alive; this is what's most important to me, do you understand, my son?"

"But she killed you once, and even me too when I left the palace angry about everything… You know, she killed me too…" Legolas cried, stopping for a moment to breathe, and then he added, while glaring at the author, "You know, I am waiting to read about the Happy Version that you should have already posted. I want to know if you will bring my father back to life, I want you to bring my father back to life!"

"You want that, don't you?" The author asked Legolas, mischief showing in her eyes.

Legolas merely nodded at the author, feeling nervous at her question.

"Well, I want to torture you as much as I can, or when the plot bunnies show up, but I will not give out what I plan to do to you in the Happy Version… I cannot guarantee you anything, you should remember that, Legolas…" The author sneered at him and added a large smile.

And a growl escaped from Thranduil's mouth.

Legolas turned toward his adar wondering about it; he did not recall his father growling in the past.

"Do not look at me; it is all the author's fault…" Thranduil blamed in a harsh whisper.

"What did I do?" The author asked the king innocently.

"Since when do I growl?" Thranduil questioned the author, and soon he could see his fingers disappearing before his very eyes.

"WHAT? Return me my fingers, I want them back…" he yelled as his other fingers vanished the same way. The author did not respond to him but merely wrote and filled up more pages.

Legolas stared in shock as his father began to disappear before him, and he could do nothing to stop it; all he could do was look at that helplessness that filled his father's eyes.

"I failed him…" Legolas stared down at the floor, his blue eyes letting the tears fall surround him with a rivers of tears.

"Shush… Do not cry… He will be back someday…" The author taunted him.

"I want him now!" The prince demanded but this time, it sounded more like an elfling throwing a tantrum than an actual order.

"What did you do with my voice? I want my voice back!"

"Why? I love you more as an elfling. You're so cute and innocent."

Legolas wiped his tears away, ignoring the dampness now soaking in his clothes. He was feeling so miserable and softly whispered a name.

"He is not going to help you, Legolas…"

"Why not? He is the one who is called Hope, and I have the hope he will save me from you. After all, he is my best friend." Legolas insisted, still in that childish voice.

"Want to bet on it?" The author teased him, her brown eyes sparkling with joy and pleasure.

TBC...


End file.
